3rd world war at home..

The worst week ever.. I had enormous fight with my mum. She said awful things to me and she's not even talking to me. I hate this silence but I have nothing to apologise for. This all is about me deciding about my own life, making my own choices and taking some responsibility on myself. She does not agree with everything I do, but honestly that's not her business at all. I'm clueless right now.. I don't know what should I do. I don't mind her not talking to me, but she is my source of money, and this is damn truth. I do not even know if I can step out of the house. I'm scared because if I will go closer to the doors and try to go out she will scream "NOOOOOOO, YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER" -this is so in her style... I'm sick of being home all the time, I have spring break so I should go out and have fun instead of staying in my room all day and being terrified if she will come to me and scream or something. I would rather move out from here than stay and live in this house longer.

SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE

Alone but not lonely

Does it happens to you guys too? Times when are you completely alone.. and you should feel lonely but you actualy don't? Today I had a chance to see the opposite of this. I met with my friends, I had fun, I was laughing and smiling, however I was lonely. I feel this need to talk with somebody about things which are pissing me off. I want to talk with somebody and say "I feel fucking lonely, bad and nothing makes me really happy". Maybe I am retarded or something but I am not able to talk with anyone. I could really use a friend right now.. There was a moment when I thought! I started writing blog 2 days ago, so maybe it could help me? Where it brought me? I am here, I am writing.. STILL LONELY. I don't want anyone to think that I'm like a stiupid teenager.. I'm not.. these teenagers are sad, lonely, broken and they are talking about this with their friends, family, parents, pets.. well.. I am not capable to talk about it even with my cat.. I feel scared that no one wants to listen to me.

damn, writing this here should help. it didn't.

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If I could handle everything..

Today I woke up ill in the morning. I can barely speak.. My mom doesn't know about this and I want it to stay this way. I took all pills I had at home, but nothing helped. I've cleaned my whole room and few parts of my house. I am tired.. and still ill. Luckily I didn't have to go to school today. We have 3-day break, because of some stiupid church things, well I do not mind it. I am happy that I could sleep longer and watch series all the time. Unfortunately I need to study a bit. I'm supposed to study french, english, geography and knowledge about society. Oh God, and when I look at this now.. I have so much to study.. I should start right now, however I am meeting my friends today, they are coming over, because as I said earlier I can barely open my mouth and say something. I wonder where my cat is? I have not seen him since morning when I was starting cleaning.

kitty, kitty, kitty, where are you? meeeeeeeeeeeeow


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Have a nice afternoon, xoxo

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Basics

What exactly is the basic? What does it mean? I guess I do not really know. Do we actually know about meaning of any word? You can answer on your own, but the answer is very easy and I know it. We use words, which we should not use. Why we say I love you ? Does it really means that we care about someone a lot? How can I be sure of anything if I am not sure about the basic things? We should slow down, be more patient, look around and see things that we have not ever seen before. Maybe this could be the way to understand everything? To understand the whole world? Probably. But is here anyone who can atually do this, who can understand it? GOD - people believe that this "real" something understands everything. I want God to teach me how to see, how to see the world and people. 

It always rains the hardest on the people, who deserve the sun


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